15/09/2022
“ When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human beings, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma. What is there left to do? “
With or without … Imagine being in a position where you couldn’t function “ with or without “ something. Feeling hopeless. Feeling broken beyond repair. Truly not being able to see any type of a future worth living. That was me for years.
At the end of my road I was unemployable. Unreliable. Couldn’t be trusted. I was physically dirty, a hooligan. All and all I was just a dangerous person to be around. I’m not saying I was violent, just anything could go wrong in my daily life. From wrecking my car, to overdosing on a random sidewalk, fleeing from cops in my vehicle, ripping off a local drug dealer and running for my life, being inches from having my heart explode from too much co***ne, etc.. this was normal to me.
“ We all face the same dilemma, what is there left to do? “
I can’t speak for you but I can speak for me. If you lived and used the way I did, there was only four options.
Jails, institutions, death or find recovery…
Although the answer was clear, it wasn’t easy. I failed many times at trying to turn my life around… but I didn’t stop. I would fall, then get back up. Time and time again. I kept pushing forward. I would stumble and wander off course, then bounce back. I am tremendously fortunate to be alive today.
I would get 30 days clean, use, then start over.
I would get 60 days clean, use, then start over.
I would get 3 years clean, use, then start over.
This was unacceptable but in the same breath this was my reality. The only person that would beat me up for my relapses was me. Regardless of how many times I fell, I refused to wallow in self-pity. I alwayrs just kept it moving. No one put me down and said “ here we go again “ I was always embraced with open arms in the fellowship. People would pull me aside, in a very loving way, and would ask me what I was willing to do different this time. I sincerely never cared what I looked like to others when attempting to get clean. You know the saying “ can’t save your ass and your face at the same time “ it’s true. I was more concerned about being honest with my journey than how I looked to others. I knew in my heart that if I was dishonest.. I didn’t stand a chance.
Today I am a father, a friend, a son, a homeowner, a positive role model to my daughter. I’m living my dreams. I’m doing things today that I never thought was possible, simply from just not putting drugs and alcohol into my body.
Thank God for the gift of desperation. Thank God for the willingness and strength that I have.. And thank God for the bottoms I’ve hit that gave me the option to change my life.
