08/20/2022
“Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.” ~C.S. Lewis
I often wonder when I speak to my friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, do they see God in me? I wondered about it before Tristen went to be with God, and I tried to show God through me. Like everyone, I am sure I failed many times. After Tristen, I tried to show God through me but not always for the right reasons. I couldn’t let people other than my circle see that I was losing all control. Some of it was because of how everyone is different around you once you go through something like this. Other times it’s because you become different. Life after a grief like this is in one word chaotic.
Who you were, how you believed, how you love, how you act, what you tolerate, what you expect, all of you is different. No one can really understand unless they go through a grief like this. I know because I thought at one time I could imagine, but you really can’t. Just like C.S. Lewis says “Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.” It is true. Give me a day and all my feelings, thoughts, behavior, are different from the next. It makes one think maybe a psychiatric hospital is in my future.
Nothing is solid anymore. Nothing is mundane. Fear becomes your best friend. It becomes a vicious cycle because you circle back to God who loves me and wants to help me and so you grab a hold but unfortunately too loosely and then fear grips you, pain strangles you and shame envelopes you. Then you are stuck in that position until you scream out “help me, please father help me!” Then there you are with that peace again and it sustains you until the devil convinces you to do the hokey pokey again and then there you go, fear, pain, shame all over again. Was my faith in God and relationship so menial with him before? Am I failing the test? Shame consumes me of the pride I must have had in my relationship with him before. The scripture that says {Ephesians 6- 10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.}
This scripture has a whole new meaning to me because every time I let go or hang on loosely, man….I just keep getting attacked. I will still keep getting attacked but armed with the armor of God makes the attacks so much more bearable.
My life and a lot of the things I loved about it before Tristen went with Jesus are gone. My life is so different. It has been 2 years. 2 years. I know some would like me to quit talking about it or move on but you don’t move on from this. You move with it. You move with the weight of it until you give it to God to carry. It’s still there, without the heaviness of it. I will never quit talking about it. On the day of his birth I celebrate his beautiful life with yall. I celebrate him, his accomplishments, his love with yall. On the day of his death I show you the rawness of the loss of him. The destruction, the yearning, the confusion, the constant pain, not because I wont see him again, I will. It is because I can't celebrate this life with him. I share to remind people to slow down and move over. I share to remind people to not do the 4 D’s. Drive drunk, drowsy, drugged, or distracted. I do this so maybe as you're driving you will remember my pain and not cause another pain. I do this so you won’t have to repeat this scripture daily just to get by “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
I love you Tristen, always and forever!
